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Abomination Foundry: Let's Play Dating Game!
Hey you fuckwheats, guess who’s back after four years buried underground in a cryogenic tube to try and avoid the political nightmare and come to a nation where a semi-sentient humanoid merkin isn’t tanking the economy! …Shit, I misread the time dial. We’re still in the metastasis of the hell timeline. But to compensate, I have a new and exciting business venture that’ll blow your dick off! You see, what I have gathered from my market research of depressing neets with loads of their parents’ money is that the young peoples these days love are dating sims! Of the porno kind! The Youtube people wouldn’t compain so much about the porno being taken out if it weren’t of the porno kind! And, what better way to get in on that trend than adding another layer: Branding! That’s what the kids these days love, why else would they have made Ready Player One, the surefire hit of before-I-went-into-the-tube! So, for these Dating Sim Members, I will be using only Officially Licensed Dollmakers, and also ones where the characters are of age. Because I’m too fat for prison and I still owe Big Joe Raposo three kidneys and my baculum from the last time! It’ll be set in a community college, okay? Because depressing neets love their callbacks to Dan Harmon productions! Now, Oswego! Darth Sexy First of all, the greatest archetype of them all is the Tsundere, as I have learned from browsing TVTropes while very; very drunk. And, what character is more tsundere than the great Emperor Palpatine himself! Source: ifgo.net/star-wars-character-creator/ Yes, from some Hasbro Star Wars OC Maker preserved by the magic of sleazy emulators, Darth Sexy is the Sex Emperor himself, the ultimate Yandere, with his head on a robot body in hammer pants because that’s the only thing that didn’t break when he fell! He’s torn between wanting to seduce you to the dark side of the Digital Arts Degree (Which as we all know is the educational equivalent to The Force) and just shocking you a bunch because he can! Also, because our demographic likes Bad Ends, we put a while bunch of ‘em in this fucker, combining the yandere and the tsundere into one character who can probably kill you with electricity during every scene! Even the sex ones! Especially the sex ones! Because here at Abomination Foundry, we pride ourselves on efficiency! When we feel like it! Hentai And, let’s get onto the next one! Because terrible internet NEETS are horny for Ben 10 related things in defiance of god and nature, we decided to make one of those that’s not illegal, and since every 18-to-24 educational comedy has to have a “loveable” pervert-who-should-probably-be-arrested, we decided to combine that into… Source: www.y8.com/games/ben_10_hero_matrix HENTAI! The whimsical monster that’s all sleaze and fucktentacle! Find him mirthful as she violates women’s consent and autonomy in emulation of the deep-seated misogyny of the audience! Laugh as she commits acts that should probably get her into Big Joe Raposo-type prison! Fall in love with her for the way she uses her tentacles to FOR LEGAL REASONS Human the Squid And now, for the trope of the shy girl with large protrusions, here’s the New Zealand Squid Laboratory’s… Source: squid.tepapa.govt.nz/build-a-squid/interactive Human the Squid! Yes, she is a perfectly normal squid who is in no way a space monster conflicted over her duties to her planet and her sensuous love of BECAUSE, SWEET JESUS. Because that’s another thing terrible neets like, jokes regurgitated from better indie titles! Right?! RIGHT?! LAUGH YOU FUCKING PHILLISTINES! Tropical Frosting But, also from Hasbro, what terrible youth educatory-mirth fornication-drollery would be complete without… THE WEED DEALER! Source: create.mylittlepony.movie/ Yes, this fat weed horse (who I’m shocked I was able to kludge a cutie mark for) is our stoner archetype, because dating sims totally work like our American god-awful secondary-education humpfarces! Her pudgy body type brings diversity to the roster, as a sin-eater-esque sacrifice for our other sins that we in no way see making the demographic we are catering to angry! Because the pony kinda cancels that out. Her name was given on the generator as Tropical Frosting, which is so fucking perfect I can’t in good conscience change it. Her personality: Weed. That is a personality now. DEAL WITH IT! Rubberman But, rounding out our classical high-school archetypes; using an Iron Man Armor Generator, who could forget the lovable archetype of the Class Sexual Rubberman? My favorite! Source: avengers.marvelhq.com/games/create-your-own-iron-man-suit Rubberman is a nonbinary personage who loves rubber! To an obsessive degree! To the point where I storyboarded the scene where they turn you into a literal man of rubber by eating rubber! Because we gotta get that Corruption of Champions money somehow, right?! Their philosophy is “Long live the new flesh, which is now rubber,” and their coloration I based on the Rubber Fetish Pride Flag! Which I swear to christ is an actual thing! Reader But, for the ladies who don’t want to immediately strangle me before this, here is one cynically calculated to your most lucrative desires from the Ben 10 Generator! Source: www.y8.com/games/ben_10_hero_matrix From reading tumblr while very drunk I got that you like monstermans, teeth, Vaporwave, snakepeople, masks, singular eyes and so-on! Which is an eclectic mix to be sure! It’s almost as if I end up making a confused mess every time I try to pander to “women” as a demographic, and they’re individuals too… NO, I cannot think the Forbidden Marketing Thoughts! The Sayer Of The Marketing Law will take me to the House Of Pain if I don’t move swiftly on to compelling ad copy! He’s every perverse dream you want, at least from what I read of your fanfiction! And that’s why I called him Reader, because you really like that character name from what I can recall from all those skeleton fanfics! FunkoPop Official-Esque Girl Next Door And, finally, the final boss of merchandising and of sex, from the unholy cavernous realms of Funko, it’s… Source: www.funko.com/pop-yourself The FunkoPop Official-Esque Girl Next Door! She’s your long lost childhood friend who you do get to scrump, because if there’s one thing NEETs who play dating sims hate, it’s the Westermark Effect! She’s an outcast from her kind, for being distinctive and original rather than a dead-eyed abomination of late capitalism! Which I find unrelatable but whatever! Do you wanna go low with a Funko?! Because you sure will in the scenario where BECAUSE, GODDAMMIT, DO YOU WANNA SEE BIG JOE AGAIN And that’s all folks! There’s more I could have planned, but I’ll save that for the DLC! Because that’s what DLC is for, shipping games unfinished and then making people pay to purchase the parts you slacked off on! I see no reason why a bunch of NEETs with too much time on their hands would have any problems regarding that! Actual Author's Notes So yeah, it’s back baybee! And yes, a decent chunk of the delays were because I had a hard time finding those official Dollmakers. Tho there are indeed others that I got planned, but for another day. And, as with my other Abomination Foundries, while the assets belong to their owners, the character concepts and basic design-concepts are free to use as you see fit under a CC-BY Vanilla 4.0 License as long as I; Thomas F. Johnson; am credited as their creator! Category:Abomination foundry